Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
