Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
