The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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