Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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