Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
