I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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