ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
