dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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