our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring money and cleavage
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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