I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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