I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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