thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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