i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
