i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
