Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
