4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
