Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
