I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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