I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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