Just took my morning after pill in the library
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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