After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
