i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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