just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
