I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i wish my penis had a tongue
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
