sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
