My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
