I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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