Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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