I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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