just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
FUCK WHALES
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
