Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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