Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
