If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
