Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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