broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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