He uses pillows to masturbate.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
