bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
