so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
