you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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