I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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