I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There's always time for handjobs
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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