i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
