I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
