It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize