Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
