I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
