i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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