you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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