I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
