SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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