i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
