Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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