so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
